update

So I haven't been doing so great with keeping this blog updated.  My other blog has really taken off and has been featured on several sites and had a few writings published, so that has been taking up alot of time.

If you would like to check it out here it is

www.hesourheartshesourhero.blogspot.com

Happy Holidays

I am finally getting to post....I hope.  I am so behind because we had been taken over with sickness in our home and then Internet problems.  I pray we have both under control.
November started out with Noah and I both have extremely bad colds.  The 2nd week of November my parents had Noah at the doctor's with Croup.  I also had a bad chest cold called death I think...lol!  Then the Saturday after Thanksgiving I had him back at the doctor with a double ear infection.  We seemed to get that cleared up and then the week before Christmas he and I both had the stomach flu, and he was at the doctor the Thursday before Christmas we had him back there with another ear infection.  Only to get a call from my mom on New Year's Eve telling me she thought he had chicken pox.  We went to the doctor to find out it was an allergic reaction to the meds for the ear infections.  I would love to say I am not sad to see 2012 go and start 2013 on a better foot but that would be a complete lie.  2012 was the best year of my life and I hate to see it go even with it ending the way it did.
One thing that sticks out in my mind is during the holiday season I was out shopping with Noah one evening and was rushing because I was holding a gentleman up from getting into his car.  I remember saying I am so sorry, simple things aren't so simple anymore, and laughed.  He smiled and said no problem and they never will be again but I bet life wasn't near as grand before.  I smiled and said your right.  That will always stick with me because he will never know how true those words were.  How I wasn't living until last January.
Christmas was amazing.  I would love to say it was picture perfect but it wasn't but that doesn't matter.  In the end our family all finally were under one roof at around 8 on Christmas Eve after Joe and my brother both got home from work. 
I would also love to say we heard from "D" and were able to exchange Christmas greetings but we didn't.  In fact we haven't heard from her in weeks, even after several attempts to be in touch.  I almost feel guilty in a way saying this but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be not hearing from her.  Maybe it is from the months leading up to it where we wouldn't hear from her for weeks at a time.  I in no way want to come across as I don't care for her, I do and always will.  Maybe she will be like that relative you care about but don't see and talk to.  I don't know where things will go from here, I really don't.  Her parents did send Noah and Joe and I some really nice Christmas gifts and we were in touch with them.  We sent them some gifts as well.  I will say over the past 11 months our relationship with Noah's birth grandparents has really evolved.  It is nice, we don't have to talk each and everyday but it is nice when we do talk every few weeks.  It's nice to know they want to be involved but still respect my parents and worry about crossing any bounds with everyone.  Not that they in any way would do that. 
Those were our holidays.  I haven't downloaded any pictures yet to attach so once I do maybe I will do just a photo post.

Love
Melinda

I feel like I haven’t been on here for so long, though I guess two weeks is a long time.  We have had a long rough month.  Our month started out with Noah getting croup, and then Joe and I both got really bad chest colds.  The over the weekend after Thanksgiving we ended up back at the doctor with Noah who now has a double ear infection.  So it has been a long couple of weeks and to say we will be glad to see November come to an end is an understatement to say the least.  This makes me sad because November was so full of memories of happiness and excitement from last year, not that this year wasn’t but it was sort of taken over with sickness.

I have been thinking about “D” a lot lately, with the holidays and stuff.  It was this time last year we matched with her and spent the holiday season forming a relationship.  I now have an amazing son, a great family and a full heart.  Even on the hard days it is 100 times better than my best day with out him.  He lights up my entire world and life!  Not a day goes by that I don’t look at him and think of “D” and the amazing gift she has given us.  I know it is still hard for her because I can hear it in her voice when I talk to her.  I often think if things are going the way in her life she thought they would be by making the choice she did.  I have to be honest there are times I don’t think they are.  And it is at those times I can’t help but wonder if she regrets her decision.  I don’t think even if she did she would ever tell us that.  She is always quick to tell us hope great we are doing and she can tell Noah is loved and happy and well taken care of.  That she couldn’t have asked for better parents for him.  That makes me feel good; I don’t ever want her to have doubts because of the type of parent she thinks we are.  What makes me sad is I think that she doesn’t see her own worth and feel she is worth having good things and happiness.  I sometimes wonder do people who do that make a conscious decision to be that way or is it habit.  Do you tell yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy there for when it doesn’t happen you’re not let down?

I love “D” beyond anything I really do.  She included me in the amazing birth of our son, and yes I said our.  He is still her son no matter what, but I am his mom and that won’t change.  She gave me something I would have never had without her.  She is his history and I can’t ever change that nor would I want to.  But my wish for her is to find what she thinks she is looking for.  She realized that she is worth fighting for a little bit too.  I want to see her to great things and for Noah to be proud of her down the road.  I know I am sort of rambling and I am sorry, I just want to see good for her and the past few times we have talked I hear in her voice that they might not be and I worry with the holidays coming and then Noah’s birthday it is going to be even harder on her.  So please keep not only “D” but all birth mother’s, birth fathers, and birth grandparents, and not only for the holidays but everyday.  Because with each passing thing that our children do each day that is great is one more thing they are missing out on.  I guess the great thing about open adoption is that they get to know about it, see pictures of it and video of it. Where as many years ago they couldn't.  

Love

Melinda

Small Reminders

There are about a million other things I could be or should be doing right now while Noah is sleeping but here I sit.  I have been thinking about this post for a few days now and just haven’t had time to sit and write it.
We have been trying very hard to have families that have adopted, are in the process of adopting or will be adopting in our lives.  Not to down play the other relationships or people in our lives but we do want to have those relationships in our lives too.  No matter how hard someone tries they don’t know what the shoes we have walked in are like unless they have walked too.  Not only do we want it for us we want Noah to have other children to relate to in this area of his life down the road too.  Like I said before, we have amazing people in our life who have shown such support and love to Joe and I, but the love they have for Noah is beyond words.
A few months ago we were connected with a family from our area that was in the process of adopting.  She and I have been in touch for a few months via email and facebook.  It had been a busy summer for both of our families.  Us with finalizing Noah’s adoption and them planning for a placement!  Finally after weeks of communication, earlier this week our families finally got to meet.  I have to say leading up to the meeting I spent sometime thinking about how in some ways our journey was the same and is so many ways it was different.  I was worried that our feelings, experience and views would be so different on things, more so the agency that we would not hit it off. They would not want to talk to us again or see us again.  We had used the same agency and had very different experiences and I was really worried about that.  Just a short time into the meeting I realized my worried were going to be unfounded, and quiet honestly able to finish each others thoughts and feelings on some things.  This got me to thinking, we have several couples we are friends with, well more the wifes are friends, that have adopted.  We each started our path at the same place, maybe all for different reasons, or not so different reasons, and ended in the same place.  We have had twists and turns along the way, some of us more than others, some of us took longer than others.  Heck one of the couples wasn’t even really looking to adopt when they got matched with their second child but God had other plans.  Some of us started with the same agency and that is how we meet, some walked away with a great experience and other not so happy.  But we all still have a common bond the same feelings, the same start and finish and that is what really matters isn’t it?  We are here to support each other and be there for each other as we navigate the world of adoption.  Sometimes we can relate directly with each other and other times we can’t but what matters is we are all there for each other.  To listen to the other cry when need be, to celebrate for each other and to lend an ear and really that is what friendship is about right.  Just think if we were all the same had the same experiences and live the same life. 
The great thing is all of the families have adopted boys all with in a few months of each other so I am looking forward to them growing and hopefully becoming friends, and having each other’s backs too.
Anyway, we had a great visit and she and I are even looking into trying to start an adoption support group in our area since there are none here.  I am looking forward to moving through these relationships.
Love
Melinda

Small reminders

It seems like the weekends are nothing but a marathon of running!  Joe is working every Saturday so my day starts with a quick shower before he leaves so I have 10 minutes of quiet time before my day starts.  Getting Noah dressed and diaper changed is enough of a workout for an Olympic athlete.  Then picking up his dump trucks, train, tether and anything else that he thinks is funny to throw off the high chair like 700 times a day, you would think my waist would be as big around as a pencil.  All this before our 9:30 nap.  While he is napping, which if we are lucky is about a hour and half, I get my self dressed and ready to go grocery shopping, picking up the house and trying to do a load of laundry.  Then on to the afternoon!  We, Noah and I, go grocery shopping, come home and put it away, had his afternoon feeding and start our high chair ritual all over again!  Most weekends and weeknights Joe works I feel like I need a nap with him at 5:30.  Most days I feel like I don’t have enough time in the day.  I have stacks of photos that need organized and put in albums, I swear Noah will be 30 before his baby book is even started let alone complete for him.  There is always laundry that needs done, and the house is always in need of cleaning.
Today was an unusual day for me because my parents kept Noah for me to run my errands because it was so cold and rainy out.  I was able to go and do my shopping and even have lunch by myself which was something I never thought I would like to do.  I got to put my food away without picked up the toys while doing it.  I ran the vacuum without Noah freaking out from the noise of it.
After I got home and fed Noah and was putting him down for his evening nap and it hit me.  Noah was asleep on my shoulder and I could see his face, his angel like face, and was sitting and rocking in his room.  There was just enough light coming in the windows that I could see around the room, and that is when it hit me!  Just a year ago this room that used to bring me such peace and does now, didn’t at that time.  I had hit rock bottom this time last year, I just couldn’t do it anymore, I wanted Joe to pack the stuff up in the room and get rid of it, I couldn’t look at it anymore.  My emotions and heart had been pulled through the ringer.  I was an emotional mess and didn’t know which end was up.  I cried each day, sometimes all day, just praying for an answer, some sort of sign as to what was right to do.  It hurts my heart now to think I wanted to walk away!  Especially as I looked at the miracle sleeping in my arms.  Not a day goes by that he doesn’t do something that melts my heart, no matter how hard of a day it is,he either smiles at me just when I need it or he will rub his hand on your cheeks after you give him a kiss.
It is hard to believe that he is 8 months old already!  He has 2 teeth and is giving his all to crawl!  He is vocal, very vocal when he wants to be, and God does he have a temper!  But I wouldn’t trade it for a second.  God continues to send me small reminders and not so small reminders each and everyday!
Love
Melinda

Adoption Day

I thought when the day would come it would be no big deal, I mean really the hard stuff was over, and things were not going to be any different.  Then it hit me Wednesday night as I was getting our clothes ready for the following day.  I am not sure really what it was, the realization that something I have dreamed of my entire life was going to become a reality.  I have known since I was 12 years old that it was going to be pretty much impossible for me to have a child.  Then at 22 that became even more real.  Then my thought’s went to Noah’s birth mother, does she know that tomorrow is even happening?  I know this is what she wanted I am not saying that, but is still my thoughts kept drifting to her. 

We were up early and on the road the following day to Pittsburgh for our hearing to take place.  I was crying the minute we left the driveway, thank God my dad was driving.  All the tears and years of heartache are coming to an end in just a few short hours.  I know that Noah has been with us for 7 months, and he has been our son that long so it shouldn’t be any big deal.  But it is!  We get to the office and visit with the social worker for a few minutes, before the call comes.  We were lucky enough not to have to go back to Vegas for the hearing we were able to do it over the phone.  The call lasted less that 10 minutes but it changed our life forever.  It was a very emotional 10 minutes and hearing the judge say that Noah was legally OUR child my heart burst with joy.  Knowing that NO ONE can ever come and take him means so much to us.
So one asked me when they found out things were over, so this means your adoption journey is over right?  I didn’t know how to answer that, I guess in some ways yes it is and in other’s not even close.  So this step in adoption is over and we move on to the next.  Figuring out our relationship with Noah’s birth mother and thing’s down the road with Noah when he is old enough to ask questions.
I would love to say we will do it again, but I don’t know if that will happen.  Adoption is expensive and a long preocess and lets be honest money and age is not on our side.  But if it is in God plan then I will not question it because I look at my son and see his work.
So I will continue to blog about Noah and other things at this point!  Here are some pictures from our day!

Melinda

 

 

Roundtable #40

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them. 
Write a response at your blog–linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
What were your reasons for choosing open adoption? (Or, for adoptees, what are your reasons for continuing to invest in your relationships with your first family?)
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I have never wrote for any of the roundtable topics before but I felt drawn to this one for some reason.
To say open adoption was something we wanted from the get go would be a lie to be honest.  We started to adoption process 2 years ago with the mind-set that we wanted a closed adoption we wanted no parts in an open adoption at all.  I think what made us start off as wanting a closed adoption was starting this process in the foster care end of things.  We took the classes thinking that is what we wanted to do.  We left feeling all birth mothers were bad people.  They lied, did drugs, took advantage of people. What else was a person to think, right.  Over time and much thought and prayer my mind slowly changed.  Well maybe a letter and pictures once in a while won’t be so bad.  Then it was ok well maybe a visit every so often would be ok too.  It was a slow process coming to that decision to say the least, and I can’t say there was just 1 thing that made us decide that.  It was just the realization that this woman is giving us an amazing gift. The gift of a child, us being able to have a family, the gift of a life, what is the big deal about letters and pictures and visits.  I have to admit part of it was for selfish reasons.  God forbid something happens down the road, those birth parents will be our link to the medical history we need and maybe even worse, organs or other things.  I know that sounds really bad and it sounds even worse as I type it out but it is the truth and I can’t help it.  
Then our son’s birth mother got in touch with us and my outlook changed even more.  We spend months building a relationship with her, getting to know her.  Growing to love her.  It became so much more than about a girl, or woman, who was going to give us her baby.  She was a woman who needed someone who would be there for her no matter what.  I remember being in the hospital after Noah was born and her telling me something and when I asked why she didn’t tell me before she said remember how you told me you were afraid I would like you once I saw you and met you, well I was afraid if you know EVERYTHING you would change your mind.  I wanted you to meet Noah and love him before I could tell you so you wouldn’t change your mind.  It was in the very moment that I knew that I would never go back on my word and I would always have an openess with her.  And it wasn’t for any of the reasons I listed above because the pretty much don’t matter in this situation.  I also saw the demons she fought everyday in her life, see she herself was adopted and it was a full closed adoption. (That is all the more I will say about her story, it is her’s to tell).  But I never wanted Noah to have the questions down the road and no one to answer them.  Someday he is going to want to look at her and see his own eyes looking back, just like I can look at my father and see my eyes looking back.  Or little things he does now I often wonder where does he get that.  I am lucky enough to be able to ask that and find out.
Yes I will be honest it had been a hard road, alot of ups and downs.  But I think we are getting to a better place in our relationship, or at least I am hoping we are.  For the first time since Noah was placed with us we got an honest heartfelt letter from her and so did Noah (for when he is old enough to read and understand).  Her heart hurts right now and that is ok it is allowed to and it will for a long time.  She was a parent doing the best she could and she made a decision that most of us could never make if we were in those shoes.  She is a human with feelings and I am not going to just write her off.